Primark on a Saturday is modern maze to avoid.
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1. The buskers are a loud distraction during the day, but they become your best friends on a night out.
2. Even the one who seemingly only sings "Wonderwall".
3. The blind guitarist is the exception to this rule. He's consistently sound.
4. A bird no longer means a bird.
5. Wool no longer means wool.
6. The nickname "Purple Aki" will strike fear into even the hardest of hearts.
7. Especially if those people with hard hearts also have hard muscles.
8. There is a very good possibility you'll have bumped into a cast member of Brookside.
9. And a better possibility that you'll have bumped into a cast member of Hollyoaks.
10. And you've definitely bumped into someone from Grange Hill. Probably Togger Johnson.
11. Goths are magnetically attracted to quite nice gardens.
12. In the same way teenagers are drawn to loitering outside the McDonald's near Lord Street.
13. The food court in St John's Market is a social anthropologist's dream.
14. St John's is also the place to go if you're in the market for suspiciously cheap Kurt Geigers.
15. Suspiciously cheap Kurt Geigers tend to cause trouble on the cobbled streets.
16. Losing balance on these cobbled streets has nothing to do with an hour spent at Ca Va.
17. Or a further two hours spent giggling at Slippery Nipple shots in Baa Bar.
18. Bold Street looks better in the rain.
19. The Albert Dock looks better in the sun.
20. There is a radio personality called Pete Price whose show is 100% appointment-to-listen.
21. Seriously. It's unmissable.
22. New students to the city tend to fall pretty quickly into the trap of assuming everyone wants to hear their impression of a Scouse accent.
23. New students to the city tend to do a better impression of the Scouse accent than we'd like to admit.
24. The escalators in Primark make Escher paintings look easy to follow.
25. There are fewer more distressing sights than that of someone in a half-and-half Everton/Liverpool scarf.
26. For 70% of the city's population, it's just football > everything else.
27. The Matthew Street Festival was the best of times.
28. The Matthew Street Festival was the worst of times.
29. Everyone's nan has a Beatles story.
30. Even my nan. She "didn't get the fuss".
31. And my girlfriend's nan. She turned down their offer of a drink before they were famous because they were "scruffy".
32. But no one's grandad has a story about Cilla Black.
33. Returning back after a trip away is one of life's great thrills.
34. A morning spent at Great Homer Street market, scouring for half-price designer goods and holding tight to a polystyrene coffee cup, is never a morning wasted.
35. On St Patrick's Day, Liverpool becomes Ireland.
36. On derby day, Liverpool becomes very, very fucking tense.
37. Thou shalt not take the names of Kenny Dalglish or Dixie Dean in vain.
38. If you lined up all the people in the city who've supposedly had trials for Everton or Liverpool you'd be able to get to the moon and back.
39. Twice.
40. There is such a sport as WAG-spotting and you'll win if you spend time near Cricket.
41. The rule "no one likes a show-off" doesn't apply.
42. The rule "no one likes a Tory" does.
43. Never buy The Sun.
44. Social hierarchy is often determined by how clean your trainers are.
45. Walking down Lark Lane is like walking through a simpler time.
46. You'll have to choose a favourite park. This decision will be based on the likelihood of prams interrupting your game of football.
47. There are two, dock-off, gorgeous cathedrals. You'll need to choose a favourite cathedral, too.
48. You'll also need to choose a favourite Beatle.
49. George, obviously.
50. The Baltic Triangle is as hip as it sounds and definitely not the perfect name for a special move in the WWE.
51. Girls actually do walk around town in velour tracksuits and rollers.
52. And it's absolutely great.
53. Running through the fountains in Williamson Square is always an option...
54. ...and it's never a sensible one.
55. Pantomimes bring out the great and the good of show business.
56. Step forward Ray Quinn, Claire Sweeney, and Paul Danan.
57. Most of the world's problems have been solved in the Lobster Pot.
58. Most of the night out's problems have been caused in Pronto Pizza.
59. Watching films in FACT is the only viable option once you've felt the comfort of their sofas.
60. There's only a few things you can get from Home & Bargain: St Moriz, poppets, and eyelashes.
61. It's Home & Bargain. Not Home Bargains. Contrary to popular belief.
62. Answering "Ye ma" to any question is a consistently valid response.
63. All lads at Aintree think they're Jordan Belfort for the day.
64. All women at Aintree ignore the idiom "less is more".
65. The Merseyrail inspectors are ruthless when it comes to feet on seats and laissez-faire when it comes to obnoxious stag and hen parties.
66. Despite all the museums and galleries, the most beautiful imagery is still the waterfront at sunrise and sunset.
67. Or a short queue at Liverpool One Nando's.
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