I’ve made mistakes so you don’t have to. P.S. Stay away from the sad penguins.
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1. Arranging to meet someone at Covent Garden station at 6.30pm means you will be one of approximately 964 people doing the same.
2. Same goes for Oxford Street Topshop.
3. It's at this point you hope you are 100% sure what your date looks like.
4. And that they are 100% sure what you look like.
5. But however sure you are, that doesn't mean a 20-stone bald man won't approach you with a handshake asking if you're "Steve". (For the record, I definitely wasn't Steve.)
6. The Porterhouse is not an acceptable first date.
7. Same with Roadhouse. Even though you can get a bottle of wine for £12.50 and it's named after the greatest movie ever made about bouncers.
8. If you date someone with a strange name, your friends will laugh at you.
9. In extreme circumstances this will be enough for you to end it, even though you quite liked them.
10. You'll regret this years later.
11. You'll be indifferent about people who are really into you.
12. And you'll fall madly for people who don't give a shit.
13. You'll bump into exes while on nights out.
14. You'll bump into exes on dates.
15. You'll bump into exes on the way home from work; they'll barely acknowledge you, but you'll think about nothing else for weeks.
16. London is NOT that big.
17. The best dates start at midday and end a couple of days later. They're not easily forgotten.
18. The worst dates will be forgotten by the time you get home.
19. Most fall somewhere in between.
20. Cliched as it may be, Gordon's wine bar is a winner.
21. IF you can get a seat.
22. Thankfully I have long since learned how to get a seat. No, I won't tell you.
23. As curious as you may be, if they suggest adding you on Facebook before you've met them, cease contact immediately.
24. People will claim they're open-minded until you tell them you don't really eat cheese.
25. If you don't eat cheese, don't mention it until they're too emotionally invested to back out.
26. Every now and again you'll meet someone else who doesn't eat cheese. You'll think this means they're the one.
27. It probably doesn't.
28. People kissing on the tube is the worst.
29. Except when it's you.
30. Natural History Museum lates is a great date night.
31. Less so if you used to date someone who works at the Natural History Museum and you have to spend the whole night hoping you don't see them.
32. There are a LOT of Lucys, Lauras, Charlottes, Emilys, and Sophies out there.
33. Just because someone shares their name with a particularly not nice ex doesn't mean they will also be not nice.
34. But sometimes it does.
35. Tinder is the worst.
36. But it's better than nothing, right?
37. Wrong.
38. If the person you are dating lives outside Zone 3 and you live in Zone 1 they will pretty much move into your flat. (NO YOU JUST HUMBLEBRAGGED)
39. Online dating is not the answer to getting over someone.
40. At first.
41. But if you stick at it long enough, it kinda is.
42. Staying with someone a couple of weeks longer than you otherwise would have because they wanted to use your Olympics tickets probably isn't as nice a gesture as you thought at the time.
43. Even though that day ended up being pretty fucking great.
44. Despite having good intentions, you are not (by any means) always the good guy.
45. But that doesn't make you a bad person.
46. First dates are something you get good at in time.
47. But after a while you crave a 7th or 15th or 40th date.
48. Inevitably, when you finally get that far, you crave a first date.
49. But that doesn't make you a bad person.
50. Dating in London is fucking expensive.
51. And the fact that you're unable to book tables in most of the "coolest" restaurants in town really affects how cool you can look.
52. No one ever got laid after queuing for 90 minutes.
53. If they utter the phrase "don't even get me started on evolution" it's probably not going to work out.
54. If you bump into an ex on the tube, try not to let the doors close on your face as you say goodbye.
55. And if this does happen, make sure you don't travel the rest of the way home with a black mark on your face from the door.
56. When getting on the escalator at the end of the night, if you are taller, go on a lower step, because logistics.
57. If you go on a date and discover they own a flat in London, this will make you like them more even though it really shouldn't.
58. Same goes for cats.
59. Dogs too.
60. Uber makes it too easy to drunkenly accept an (also drunken) late-night offer from an ex.
61. You will get angry at Uber because of this in the cold light of day.
62. You will learn where all the pubs that are nice but also usually have space are.
63. You will then use these pubs far too frequently.
64. To the point where you know the girl behind the bar has started to recognise you.
65. At some point you'll ask yourself, "How can it be so hard to meet people the biggest city in the country?!"
66. And then you'll meet someone.
67. The aquarium is a great date.
68. Until you get to the sad penguins, who definitely don't want to be in the aquarium.
69. They are SO sad.
70. You'll fall in love on the tube at least three times a day.
71. For five years.
72. And not once will you say anything.
73. Because you're a dick.
74. Being in a relationship in London is kind of great.
75. But then, so is being single.
76. And, although you may never be totally happy...
77. ...at least you'll be in London.
78. (You'll just never be able to buy a house.)
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